Kerrmudgeon

....'morning everyone! I hope the weird weather in the south/west hasn't hurt anyone's home or family in 2016.
Absolutely no jokes in the inbox this week, but I'll start it off with a few interesting visuals for the rest of you.....
________________________________________ ___

Kerrmudgeon

A few shorties......

Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear.

Yo mama is like a campfire: everybody gets to stick their wieners in.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is. The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves. He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet. One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it. The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!" (groan)

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

Yo mamma is so old she has autographed Bible.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."

Kerrmudgeon

Found a few late nite funnies.....

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"



There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"



Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ***!"

steampunk c1

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard hat said "Buy one-get one free".

"They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".

She handed me my free sandwiches.........
..........and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.
====================

A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

My friend decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale £50."
The next day someone stole it.

They walk among us.
====================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of
them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"

Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They walk among us!
====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!
====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre.

One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open.

I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a Week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!
====================

steampunk c1

Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends *** with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...


A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ***, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.

steampunk c1

Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?





I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days
when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or
bus and think "I'm f**king having that!"





Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

steampunk c1

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,
ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes
to go to!'Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*stard, I was talking to the
cat!'

steampunk c1

A Couple of Shots.

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

steampunk c1

Unlucky Flea.

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

steampunk c1

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Annabel, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Annabel replied, "Well Ken, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Ken was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Annabel said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Ken recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Annabel asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Ken. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Annabel said.
"So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes......................?"

steampunk c1

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.


The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.


As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.


Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.


Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.


As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.


The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.


The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.


Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.


He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.













Probably wasn't the same elephant..

Kerrmudgeon

A mother's wisdom...

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his ***** in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s ***** in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”



Daddy....?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of ***** are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of ******* are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his ***** is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the ***** are just for decoration.”



A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big ***** on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a *****. She said "I knew it, *******, explain the *****!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

azmusclecar

A Man's Age According to Home Depot


Yep .....
You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your ***** are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?

Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

azmusclecar

Where did "**** poor" come from?

If you're young and hip, this is still interesting.

NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION

Us older people need to learn something new every day...

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "**** Poor" come from? Interesting history.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...

If you had to do this to survive you were "**** Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to **** in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell.
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh(straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a threshhold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status..

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

And guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days..
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom: holding a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the grave yard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring!!!

So get out there and educate someone!

azmusclecar

>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Don't cheat!!!!
>>>>>> Great test!!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Test Your Brain
>>>>>> This is really cool.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ALZHEIMER'S EYE TEST
>>>>>> (I love this part.. Its absolutely amazing!)
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Count every "F" in the following text:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
>>>>>> SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
>>>>>> FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
>>>>>> THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.....
>>>>>> (SEE BELOW)
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> HOW MANY 'F's?
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Count them again.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- No Joke..
>>>>>>
>>>>>> READ IT AGAIN !
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Really, go back and try to find the 6 'F's before you scroll down.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The reasoning behind this is further down.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The brain cannot process "OF".
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> F INISHED F ILES ARE THE RE
>>>>>> SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
>>>>>> F IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
>>>>>> THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.....
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Incredible or what?
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Anyone who counts all 6 'F's on the first go is a genius.
>>>>>> It is your turn to see how many of your friends belong in an old age home!
>>>>>> ...
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Three is normal, four is quite rare.

azmusclecar

Dear Boss


I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.

Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.


Sincerely,


Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

MAD IN NC

THE LEGLESS PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud;"Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy ****," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot."I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this-how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little
hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get
me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT!???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going
down..."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."



This a true example of when two people really know each other----
Retired Veteran with a very Smart Wife...

Early one morning, an elderly retired veteran just finished a piece of artwork. He had been working on and yelled to his wife. "Honey! Come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama, depicting the seven Years of the Obama administration!"

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet Howard and come eat your breakfast!"



IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other: "Look Paddy...there's that damn idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"



One day out on the golf course, Bill Clinton accidentally overturned his golf cart. A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, “Hey, are you okay?”“I’m fine, thanks,” he replied.

“You look frazzled,” the woman said. “Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like that.”

“Oh, come on,” the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. “I can see you’ve cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I’m a nurse.”

She was very persuasive….and Bill was weak.
“Well okay,” he agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”
After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.

Finally he confessed, “I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you.”
“Don’t be silly!” the woman said with a smile, “she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart,” he replied.






Our government hard at work….. unbelievable, or not?



BURGLARY IN FLORIDA
Sometimes things that really happen are funnier than stuff made up.

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder (that's the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high-grade cocaine, and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was here too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said, "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

Curvette1

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beachnear Tel Aviv, in Israel.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up,placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," shecountered. ”Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Then she asked him "Do you have a dog?" He responded "No" and resumed reading his book.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like ***** cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"