Kerrmudgeon

Goood morning all youze guys and dolls out there in classic Corvette land!
It's that time of week again, so post up your funniest jokes, pics, memes, or whatever so we can all have a giggle in these troubling times. . Get the jab, wear your mask, and have a LAUGH!
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Let's see if Bill has his stuff up yet.......




















And now a few funnies I've found for y'all.......

A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"
"Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.
"Yes," Walt replied.
"Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"



Happiness is walking through the tall green grass barefoot....
Misery is walking through the green grass barefoot and then discovering it's a cow pasture.









A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'



Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.

One says breathlessly, "I've never come this way before!"

To which the other replies, "It's the cobblestones."



Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

















.....

Roger Walling

An order of monks are selling flowers...

...illegally on the lawn of the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Two boys were walking in the forest...

... and they came across the most beautiful women taking a bath in a hot spring. Upon seeing this, one boy took of running, and the other went after him. When he caught up to the other he asked "Why did you run off?". To this the other replied "Well, my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard!"

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?

John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".

So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.

When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.

When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

So there was a family of moles.

They decided to leave thier burrow to smell the spring air. The father mole poked his head out first and sniffed, "I smell lavender." he says. The mother mole poked her head out as well and said "You're right dear, I smell it too." Their son couldn't fit through the burrow entrance and said "Well, all i smell is molasses."

👍🏼

Joemac8

Kerrmudgeon

A few funny / interesting pics for y'all.......

GUSTO14

Kerrmudgeon

Please remember this is a politics FREE thread, and if you post any bipartisan jokes or pics they will be taken down..


A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."



I'm a multi-tasker...
I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!



A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."



One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the *****!

ettev

63 340HP

I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet €5,000 that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet. 40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000."

"Grand so" replied the Irishman, "pour the pints and start the clock." It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"Ok yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."










A man walks into a government office, says to the receptionist: -

"I would like to put my name forward for a job.

The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised..?''

So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"

She replied... "If you are circumcised you are not eligible"

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised..?

She replied...."To become a government employee in this administration you have to be a complete *****..!










A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put €50 in the poor box.'

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The man replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

















Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: £10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be

£10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f’ng Ferrari then?

Joemac8

Capt Bill

Thin skinned maybe ??? Ohhh, hurt my feelings.

cor66vette

Thin skinned or not, whatever is not allowed is moderated - so why should this be different?

warrenmj

Not in the least! But I was told a couple months ago to stop posting political memes/jokes, which is why I don’t post anything anymore, but I still read everything. Kermudgeon made a comment earlier in this thread about political postings.

Kerrmudgeon

ENOUGH!!!! .......jibberjabber!.....if it ain't funny, don't post it!




A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"
The daughter shook her head sadly...
"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."



The senility prayer...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...

Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.... (That's an oldie!)











One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"





Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

......

toddalin

The difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.

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This guy wants to rob a bank and needs a fast car, he goes to this shady car yard and talks to the owner, who says "I have just the car for you." "This car will do 100mph." "That's not very fast" says the guy "Ahhh, but see this red button on the console, press that and it engages the nitrous oxide and the car will accelerate so fast it makes others look like they're standing still."

The guy gets the car and robs a bank, he's heading down the road at 100mph, he see's a motor bike cop catching up to him fast, when the cop gets right behind him he presses the red button and the car roars away like lightning.

Shortly afterwards another driver on the same road comes across a horrible accident, there is a smashed up motorbike and a cop lying in the middle of the road with arms and legs pointing in all directions. He stops and runs up to the cop. "What happened to you?" he asks. The cop groans. "I was chasing this bank robber, I caught up to him, then all of a sudden my motor bike stopped, so I stepped off to see what went wrong................"