Joemac8

Roger Walling

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

A roman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees.I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!" The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

LouieM

toddalin

There was a sale on venison at the local butcher's shop, so a lady bought some and cooked it up for her family that evening.

Her children were looking at it on their plates, when little Mary asked her daddy "What is it?"

He replied, "Oh its just something that you hear mommy calling daddy."

Little Mary got a distressed look on her face and yelled across the table to her brother, "Johnny don't eat it..., its *******!"

63 340HP

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a
Lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a ****?












A young rural Tennessian moves to the city and scores a job as a rookie reporter. Told to write a human interest story , he returns to the backcountry and finds an ancient farmer in the hills. "Has anything that has happened around here made you really happy ? " he asks .

The farmer ponders for a bit and then says , " Yep " he enthuses . " A neighbor's sheep got lost once. Our search party found it, and then we screwed it before we took it back ."

" I can't print that ! " The young scribe exclaims , " Has anything else ever made you happy ? "

The farmer thinks for a minute , then says, " One time my neighbors donkey got lost . We formed a big search party to find her , and then all screwed her before we took her home ."

"I can't print that either. " Says the rookie scribe. " Okay ..... has anything ever happened around here to make you sad ?"

The old farmer drops his head and is silent for a few seconds. Eventually he looks up timidly and says " I got lost once "










It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4.....success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 10...success is...making your own meals.
At age 12...success is...having friends.
At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is...having sex.
At age 30...success is...having money.
At age 40...success is...having saved money.
At age 50...success is...having money.
At age 60...success is...having sex.
At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is...having friends.
At age 80...success is...making your own meals.
At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

Railroadman

The young executive had been on a lengthy business trip. He and his wife maintained a constant exchange of texts, which grew ever hotter as their separation went on.

The evening before his return, he texted her "When I step off that plane tomorrow, you'd better have a mattress strapped to your back!"

She texted back "I will, but you'd better be the first guy off the plane!"